The lost chapter.

The last two years of my life have been to say the least crazy. I keep asking myself WHY? Why did I do it? Why did I keep going back? Why am I at this place in my life now? Will it get better?
I can start to answer these questions but always come up short. People try to answer these questions for me but am never satisfied with the answers. They think I’m a victim and tell me it’s not my fault…but all I do is blame myself. I guess this is a trait of the Stockholm syndrome. I feel like it was my choice for being with this man…and in so many ways I look back and I was more of a caregiver to him than a lover. I felt like if he died from drinking to much or got suicidal like he often did and I wasn’t there to save him it would be my fault. I still have this fear and have nightmares of him dieing weekly.
I’m sitting in my near empty apartment because I’m getting evicted for a gun being shot off in my apartment by my ex while I was 35 weeks pregnant, I never thought I would have a gun to my head by someone I loved so much….Can you believe I took him back after that AFTER he promised he would never drink again….another short lived promise. I really thought after he saw his daughter being born things would change. I became so blind. It’s not that I’m stupid, I’m far from it but my heart was so far up this mans butt I truly believed him. When he was sober he was AMAZING, the perfect man…EVERYTHING I wanted. He WAS my best friend.
After he put our daughter in danger by coming to my apartment black out drunk; he took our seven day old baby out of my arms and locked himself and her into a room. I lost it. Any once of love I had for this man was lost in that moment. Thank god the police knew my residence fairly well and was able to come in less than three minutes after my call to them. Now I have countless court dates to keep this man away from our beautiful daughter simply because I can’t trust him. He can tell me until he is blue in the face he is sober, I know it’s lies. I WILL NEVER have that feeling of my daughter in danger because of a poor decision on my part to have him a part of her life. I just hope she understands why I’m doing this and doesn’t blame me for not having her father a part of her life. I hope one day her and her father can have a relationship.
at least out of this experience I’ve got my amazing daughter, my metrical baby. after having cervical cancer and having bad surgery’s I didn’t think I could even have kids without miscarrying. this in itself was devastating. I knew I would be a great mother and have been a Nanny for years raising other peoples kids the thought of never having my own broke my heart. I look at my daughter and still can’t believe I get to keep her, raise her and love her for the rest of my life. I’m so lucky.
So where do I go from here? I guess move to my temporary home, find a more permanent one anywhere I want really…the options are endless. Keep going to my court dates and maybe find love again. Someone who doesn’t drink since alcohol scares the crap out of me. I can’t change my past but I can look into the future and learn from my mistakes.