One <3

Yesterday was Kaeleys first birthday. Bitter sweet. She is growing to be so beautiful I just can't stop squeezing her. She is the most amazing baby...or toddler....(now) where did my baby go? It seriously feels like yesterday I was co sleeping with her and snuggling. I was so lucky for the first half of her life I got her 100% to myself and I'm so blessed I got that one on one time with her before I met my sole mate. Its crazy to think how different our life would be if I didn't call it quits with her biological. Things would be hostel, abusive and loud instead of loving, caring, sweet and fun.

Kaeleys birthday party was a blast, full of fun, games, cake, and all her favorite people <3 we are so blessed to have so many people that care and WANT to be a part of our life. I spent two months planning her party and 20+ hours making every decoration and party favor. I'm happy that part is over as much fun as it was it was exhausting. We are still planning on taking her to Disneyland but probably more towards the end of the month.

I love you my big one year old <3

Our future

I get so excited thinking about the endless opportunities. My newest adventure is business school / real estate...flipping houses has been something I've always had a real interest in and think myself teamed up with my future hubs will be the dream team for a successful future. He knows how to build and fix and I'm good with paperwork and money and we have a passion for DIY projects. I feel like it's a gamble, will be hard work and possibly loose money at first but its worth the risk because I believe in us and our future in real estate <3

Reflecting

One year next month feels like a different lifetime. I feel like it was all a bad dream but that was my real life madness.

So much has happened since the last time I saw him. I've met a respectful, full of energy, responsible drinking, non drug using, non abusive, adventurous, providing, goal oriented person I could ever dream of. Amazing with me BUT also Kaeley. Not once has he thrown "well, she isn't mine" or "she is yours" in my face, he not only helps provide for her but he plays with her too... Takes care of her at 4am when she is sick and is happy to do it. I got really LUCKY.

Thinking about what my life was and how it is now I can't believe I ever had such a horrible life with such a abusive person. I had a gun go off in my apartment while I was pregnant...that is NOT normal and I still have nightmares from it.

I still fear for the future. I fear he will see me and my happily ever after family out and something bad to happen. I fear when the restraining order is up in two years he will try and fight for custody. He will be a complete stranger to her and I can never trust he will really be sober rehab or not. I don't even leave Kaeley with people I trust let alone someone I don't trust....

The right side of the bed.

Today was the last day of court with my ex. He pleaded guilty and I got granted a three year restraining order, he got three years probation, 57 week domestic violence classes/anger management classes and nine months in a rehab facility in exchange for no jail time.
I'm grateful this chapter is finished and I don't have to look back on it for awhile.  Kaeley will be three years four months old before he see's her again. I have agreed to give him updates and photos of her for the time being.
I hope he can get his act together but I'm not going to hold my breath. In my heart I know he will relapse again. In his mind he thinks he will get better and he will have me and Kaeley back in his life, I've heard this one to many times and he had his chances time and time again. I just hope Kaeley wont recent me for this choice. I love her so much and I'll do everything I can to show her every single day. <3

Single Mom fears

being a single mama I have natural fears of something happening to me and who is going to take care of my baby. Who do I trust? How do I prevent her going to her drunk father or going into the system.
I have a fear of something happening to me while it's just her and I in our apartment and no one being around to help if something happens to me and Kaeley is left alone. Do I make a living will on who gets Kaeley in case something does happen....does a living will have power over her Father getting rights? I guess I'm going to have to seek legal advice and see what I need to do....I just want my little girl to be safe and happy and healthy <3

Happy. Just Happy.

Today I can finally breath. I've got my finances in a row with employment from being a Nanny. I feel so lucky I can be a full time single Mommy and keep a roof over our head while raising my daughter. It's a great feeling that I have this opportunity to do this and help raise other peoples children.

I LOVE that I get to breast feed without any problems. It was a MAJOR challenge at first and hurt a lot but I worked through the pain and now I love breast feeding. I have more than enough milk to give to my baby and I love that it's making her a healthy little girl.

We are doing baby genius dvd's and she loves it...we sing and dance and laugh and play, I don't just set her in front of the TV and let her zone. We are also attending Mommy and Me classes at the local Library. I feel like along with being a Nanny she is getting the social skills at the classes.

We get outside every single day. We either go to the park to swing and watch other kids play or we go for a walk on the beach....we are also going to the pool a lot and get in the water. she loves playing and splashing in the water.

I love being a Mommy, it's been such an amazing experience. Every single part I love...I can't stop looking at her and smiling. I have on average two to three people a day stop me and tell me how happy I look. I've been so blessed to have such an amazing, cute, well behaved and HAPPY baby.

The lost chapter.

The last two years of my life have been to say the least crazy. I keep asking myself WHY? Why did I do it? Why did I keep going back? Why am I at this place in my life now? Will it get better?
I can start to answer these questions but always come up short. People try to answer these questions for me but am never satisfied with the answers. They think I’m a victim and tell me it’s not my fault…but all I do is blame myself. I guess this is a trait of the Stockholm syndrome. I feel like it was my choice for being with this man…and in so many ways I look back and I was more of a caregiver to him than a lover. I felt like if he died from drinking to much or got suicidal like he often did and I wasn’t there to save him it would be my fault. I still have this fear and have nightmares of him dieing weekly.
I’m sitting in my near empty apartment because I’m getting evicted for a gun being shot off in my apartment by my ex while I was 35 weeks pregnant, I never thought I would have a gun to my head by someone I loved so much….Can you believe I took him back after that AFTER he promised he would never drink again….another short lived promise. I really thought after he saw his daughter being born things would change. I became so blind. It’s not that I’m stupid, I’m far from it but my heart was so far up this mans butt I truly believed him. When he was sober he was AMAZING, the perfect man…EVERYTHING I wanted. He WAS my best friend.
After he put our daughter in danger by coming to my apartment black out drunk; he took our seven day old baby out of my arms and locked himself and her into a room. I lost it. Any once of love I had for this man was lost in that moment. Thank god the police knew my residence fairly well and was able to come in less than three minutes after my call to them. Now I have countless court dates to keep this man away from our beautiful daughter simply because I can’t trust him. He can tell me until he is blue in the face he is sober, I know it’s lies. I WILL NEVER have that feeling of my daughter in danger because of a poor decision on my part to have him a part of her life. I just hope she understands why I’m doing this and doesn’t blame me for not having her father a part of her life. I hope one day her and her father can have a relationship.
at least out of this experience I’ve got my amazing daughter, my metrical baby. after having cervical cancer and having bad surgery’s I didn’t think I could even have kids without miscarrying. this in itself was devastating. I knew I would be a great mother and have been a Nanny for years raising other peoples kids the thought of never having my own broke my heart. I look at my daughter and still can’t believe I get to keep her, raise her and love her for the rest of my life. I’m so lucky.
So where do I go from here? I guess move to my temporary home, find a more permanent one anywhere I want really…the options are endless. Keep going to my court dates and maybe find love again. Someone who doesn’t drink since alcohol scares the crap out of me. I can’t change my past but I can look into the future and learn from my mistakes.